I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
You Might Also Like
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
You’ll never be as lazy as the person who named the fireplace.
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits