they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
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Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
Become ungovernable.
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
accidentally got hired at a bakery today. came in for a cinnamon roll during rush hour and left 4 hours later with a dozen donuts and $60 cash. not really sure what happened in between those two events. i believe my life is a video game
Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.
Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.