When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
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Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
I need to update my racial profile.
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
Any refunds available?…
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
Yup….perfect score!
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
#HatDadJoke
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’
*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*
*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.