accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
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My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy#medicalvalentine
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.
warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 😉
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
this could fix me
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.