Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
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Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
mom: I don’t like Alexa, why can’t people turn off their own lights
also my mom: good night 👏🏼👏🏼
[lights go out]
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
A closed mouth gathers no fries.
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
May your day taste like creamy soup.
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke