Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
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[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?
WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s
CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda
This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*
“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?