Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠
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McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
Never forget.
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
Monday Lisa
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.
But with a hell of a lot more swearing.
Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes