Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
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Childbirth is so beautiful
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
No one:
Me: “The word “Militia” just sounds like Sean Connery saying the name Melissa.”
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
Reasons people get divorced:
-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos