when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
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i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
me during winter: will I ever love again
me the moment the sun comes out: I have fallen in love four times in the same stretch of road
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.