Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
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Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.
Chemical wingman
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
I swear I won’t be undressing you with my eyes again. That REALLY hurt!