genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
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Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
That’s easy for you to say
Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?