WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
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So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
There is wisdom there.
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
Happy Alien Day. Did you know aliens do not abduct people, but they’re very fond of socks and Tupperware lids.
I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.
[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
[eats all your cotton candy]
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!