Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
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[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
-nevermind.
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
I wish other jobs let us solve issues by releasing diss tracks. got some sick rhymes about debbie from accounting and her poorly structured invoicing
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
Always a metermaid never a meter
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks