Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
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In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.
I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.