*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
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[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
I…do not understand how electricity works.
Never mess with a drunken pig.
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves