Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
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Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
Story of my life…..
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally