Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
You Might Also Like
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
Not today
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!