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My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
[the afterlife]
Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!Angel: *chuckling*
Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
Do not go gentle into that good night,
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
old people like to golf every day because they are so sick of everyone’s shit and just wanna repeatedly whack something
My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.
School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”
I am embarrassed for myself.
I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.
Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “pneumonia”.
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
Well well well…
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.