eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
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me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.
I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee