TERMINATOR: Come with me if you *really* want to live.
[montage of them going to art galleries, swimming with dolphins, sky diving etc]
You Might Also Like
Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!