[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
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Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
I was up all night reading about insomnia
Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
My guardian angel deserves a raise
OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive