“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
You Might Also Like
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂
Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
They got Raph!
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick
Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.