[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
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Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
Shhh!
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.