My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
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Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
Parent (who is a nurse):
Sorry I laughed but your kid is funny! When he was down & hurt in the game & I checked him, I said, “That’s a big gash on your knee.” He said, “It’s my ankle.” I felt it & said “I think it’s okay” & he said, “That’s good, ma’am, but it’s my other ankle.”
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??