[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
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A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]
Nice try, poison.
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
The smoothest fall of all time
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go