I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
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Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
hackers play passwordle
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”