Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
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someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
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{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
😍😂🥰😂😍
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.
Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.
Me:
The pen is writier than the sword.
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.