It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
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In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.
I thought there was something wrong with her.
Turns out she’s being R2-D2.
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”