Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
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Always the barmaid, never the bar.
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
I can fix him.
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.
2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.
2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!