5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
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If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
[at White Castle]
clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.