9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
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me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
#JohnTravolta
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
3-year-old: Let’s play zombies
Me: OK
3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby
She tricked me into playing house
I just discovered that a serving of Oreos contains 8% of your daily iron needs, since most women don’t get enough iron it would be irresponsible not to eat several servings a day, you’re welcome ladies
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
relationship goals
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.