Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
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People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind