Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
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If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
bad news gang
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.
6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.
Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.
6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
I put the p in pants.
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.