Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
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My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.