“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
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Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
What about a To-Don’t List?
My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
Art by Pastelkatto
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…