Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
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falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box