My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
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Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”
Ion see the issue
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: YES!
Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?
Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!
Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: Yes!
Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam
I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding. Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with “Welcome back everyone”?
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.