“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
You Might Also Like
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
🤣
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
My love language is deader than Latin
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….