-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it
You Might Also Like
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s a chick that’s gone insane
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.