Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
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Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beetConclusion: Snickers is a salad
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
ME: You’ve put on weight
DRACULA: No I haven’t. Prove it
ME: When you fly, how many bats do you turn into?
DRACULA: [deep sigh] A shitload
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.