Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
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Leaving the Barbers like
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants
me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
ME: I’d like to register my kid for school.
SCHOOL REGISTRAR: Sir, that’s a goat.
ME: *proudly* A BABY goat.
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
sitting on the middle seat of this flight and both my seatmates are reading my book over my shoulder, should i just start reading it aloud
I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
[during sex]
Her: talk nasty to me…
Me: the coconut flavored LaCroix…
Her: omg so nasty
Me: It’s like drinking a suntan lotion & tonic
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
Kid: Trick or treat?
Me: How old are you?
Kid:
His dad: 4 years old
Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…