Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
You Might Also Like
Who does Amazon think I am?
of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool
LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
[Rome]
CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho
THEM: Hey–
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?
Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*
CS: 683648AC4712.
Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!
CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?Me: No thanks *click*
[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.