Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
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I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
[at the gym]
Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”
Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
This sounds bad:
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
i wish i could marry a nap
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.