Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
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(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.