Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
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Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
So we got a goldfish…
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118
Kidney stones? Hard pass
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,