I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
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I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?
This is painfully accurate 😅
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
My youngest just brought me a bagful of her baby teeth and is demanding answers.
when you are just born a rebel
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”