I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
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Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
Whoa… oh I see lol
TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison
Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no