i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
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It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
I’m just playing devils avocado here
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.