If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
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Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
Me: I won’t force religion on my child
Also me: *decorates 3’s room in all Marvel stuff*
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.