snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
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im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
True story: A coworker once asked if I’d seen her earmuffs. Noticing she was actually wearing them, I said, “I think the boss said he found a pair. Go ask him.” (I’m evil.) 😆
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.